My fear of roller coasters

ohhhhhh my heart.

The poor thing is being pulled in so many directions and I'm not sure how much more it can handle. I don't know if anyone else has this problem but I CANNOT make decisions. Small ones, big ones, doesn't matter. I just struggle.

I have been going back and forth with the idea of serving a mission for a loooooong time. Like a year and a half-long time. It has caused me so much more emotional stress than I can explain. I will spare you the pages and pages of details, but basically what it all boils down to is that I know it would be such an amazing opportunity. It would bless so many lives, as well as my own. But I just can't be excited about it like I used to be. I have had so many experiences that have prompted me to go (and even submitted my papers to my bishop), but also have received so much comfort in knowing that staying here is where I'm supposed to be (and told my bishop that I decided not to go).

Yeah, it's a little confusing.

The only thing I want is to be where my Heavenly Father wants me to be. But it's extremely difficult for me to find that place with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I just wish I could have a map to guide me through these big decisions in my life. Because serving a mission isn't the only decision I'm faced with right now. There's also big school and dating decisions that make things much more complicated.

Luckily, I have been blessed with amazing friends. Some have been lifelong friends, and some, I feel, have been put into my life at this exact time to help me get through these trials. They have some of the best insight and beautiful testimonies I have ever heard. They have helped me realize that Heavenly Father loves me and He trusts my judgement. He will not punish me for not going, and He will support me in all of my righteous efforts. I need to have faith in His love for me to help me remove my fear of letting Him down.

The other night I was praying to feel confident in my decision to stay home. I wanted to feel that He was proud of me and that He loved me. I had been feeling impressed to read my patriarchal blessing so I decided to get it out after my prayer. Right at the beginning it said something about having Heavenly parents that love me and then it said that it was important for me to understand and honor that knowledge in all that I choose to do throughout my life. Yeah, I bawled. It was such an answer to my prayer. And it came so quickly. What a tender mercy.

I am still trying to figure out why I have been put on such a long, turbulent emotional roller coaster (did I mention that I HATE roller coasters??) and one friend gave me the best advice...

There is no growth in a comfort zone, and no comfort in a growth zone.

There has definitely been a lot of growth over the past year and a half. And actually, a lot of good has come from this experience. I am so grateful for the testimony and knowledge I have of a loving Heavenly Father. He has proven to me so much lately that He is mindful of me and the trials I am going through. The Atonement is the greatest gift to me and it has honestly carried me through these tough times. I am still struggling to stay afloat during all of this, but I know that I can do anything with my Heavenly Father on my side. All that matters is that I do what I know to be right.

"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.." Alma 26:12

Boy Drama

Seriously? Am I the only one that's got it? Please tell me I'm not.

Why are they so hard to read? I don't know if I'm just out of practice or what, but it's driving me crazy. 

Tell me this, how does one play hard to get while putting themselves out there so that the other person knows they're interested? I just don't understand. 

And you want to know the worst part about all of this boy drama? Half the time, the boy doesn't even know there is drama because his mind is on fifty other things while yours (mine) is stuck on him.

ALL THE TIME

Les Miserables

I'm sure most of you have seen the preview, but I literally get the chills every time I see this. And by the end I can't even keep the tears from rolling down my face. 

Absolutely breathtaking. 

I cannot wait. 

Beautiful Heart

"I know, now, without a doubt that the true source of happiness, self-worth, and authentic beauty doesn't come from the outside. Women are constantly being persuaded to want something unachievable, to look younger or thinner and above all to fit in because being different is too painful and embarrassing. I have accepted myself in a world that does not accept me, because I have learned-and more than any of the lessons of my accident, this is the one i wish i could teach everybody- that

our hearts matter most. 

Your heart matters most, so be gentler and more patient with yourself, and their hearts matter most, too, so be kinder and more compassionate to others. It's a beautiful heart, not a perfect body, that leads to a beautiful life." 

-Stephanie Nielson, Heaven is Here

YOU GUYS

Guess what?? 

This boy entered the MTC one year ago TODAY!

 

I can't even believe how fast the time has gone by. I'm so thankful for Sam and his amazing example to me. I have learned so much from him and he continually influences my life for the better. So much has changed in the past year, and I know a whole lot more will change in this next one. But no matter what happens, I will forever be thankful for the blessings he has brought into my life.

Sam is doing great out on his mission (as far as I know). He and I don't write very often at all. I have actually only received 8 letters from him in this first year. We both just take our time to write each other and we understand that we each have our own things going on. We also just keep things very casual. Sometimes it's the hardest thing for me to not know what his feelings for me are or to express mine to him, but I know that supporting him on his mission is far more important than that. In the long run, I will be happier knowing that I didn't hold him back from reaching his potential in any way. Sam is SO happy out there and I know he is giving The Lord everything he can. I am so proud of his sacrifice and look up to him in so many ways. 

He's pretty amazing.

My mind's wanderings

I know I'm not the only one, but almost everything I experienced while growing up, my friends did, too. We all experienced the same changes at the same time. Like starting high school, learning to drive, dating, and graduating high school. We were all pretty much on the same page. We helped and supported each other through these stages in our lives and longingly awaited for some of them to arrive.

But now all of that has changed. After we graduated, we all took our own paths. We had to learn independence and make decisions based on what was best for ourselves. We grow and experience life in different ways now. Some of us have taken paths that were very predictable, and some of us have learned to deal with the unexpected turns that our particular paths have sent us on.

This is probably my favorite part of growing up. I feel like my friends and I have helped mold each other into the people that we wanted to become, and prepared each other for what the future brings. Now more than ever, I feel like we are all on different levels and I love it. It's amazing how what is right for me at this time, is completely wrong for someone else. We are all on our own time tables now and only our Father in Heaven knows what lies ahead for us and what we need at each time in our lives.

Some of us are married...

And some of us are dating some seriously cute boys...

And some of us are serving missions...

While some of us are single and having fun...

Some of us will be getting married soon, some of us will be going back to school, some of us will be on missions, and some of us will be working. It's crazy that life is taking each of us in our own direction, but I know that Heavenly Father is leading us to where we need to be. Looking back on my life one year ago, I realize that I have grown so much.

This time last year I was a complete mess. Sam and I had just decided that we needed to break things off so he could prepare for his mission. It was the most difficult thing and also the best thing for me to go through. I would definitely not be the person that I am right now, if it weren't for that. It taught me a lot about trusting in the Lord and being confident and independent.

I find myself getting stressed out and maybe even a little bummed out at times when I think about where my life is headed. Especially when I look at others and feel like they are doing much better things than I am. But my purpose in this life is different from all of my friends. Everything I experience is to prepare me for what I am to become. In this life as well as the next. I know that I still have a lot of growing up to do, but I know that I am where I need to be at this time and that my Father in Heaven loves me and will be there for me to help me reach my greatest potential.

What more can I ask for?

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  -Dr. Suess

Obsession

So I think this blog has turned into some sort of confessional or something.

But guys, I am in love with Zac Efron. I saw The Lucky One on Friday and boy was it something. 

I was experiencing shortness of breath probably 80% of the time. He has got to be one of the biggest babes in the world. The movie was alright but I honestly was in a daze the entire time. 

He is just unreal. It's been 4 days and I still can't get him out of my head.

P.S. remember those guilty pleasures I told you about? Yeah that song is definitely on the list. 

Guilty Pleasure

I should be embarrassed by the fact that I love to jam out to songs like this.

Judge me if you want.

Whatever, I love myself and I hate myself. 

"Let your face be evidence that this is the Plan of Happiness"

Last Sunday, I, along with the rest of the "young single adults" at Dixie, had the most magical opportunity to hear from one of my most favorite apostles ever! 

Elder David A. Bednar! 

What an awesome man. The fireside was too great for words. It was a Q&A forum, rather than a formal fireside. It lasted for 2 hours, and it was AWESOME. One of the most powerful things he discussed was the nature of our older brother, Jesus Christ. He talked about how our Savior is ALWAYS turning out to help others. Even in His deepest trials and sorrow, He turned out to others. I have so much to learn from His example. It was incredible. (He also gave the little quotey that's the title of this post. LOVED IT) I learned so much and I feel extremely blessed to have been able to hear from TWO apostles this past year. (Dallin H. Oaks came last semester)

I am grateful to have a loving Father in Heaven who has called apostles and prophets to lead and guide us today. I know without a doubt that they are inspired to tell us exactly what our Heavenly Father feels will be best for each time they speak to us. I'm taking "Teachings of the Living Prophets" in institute this semester and it is the coolest class ever. I am learning to crave the words of our church leaders. That's right, CRAVE. I absolutely love what they have to say. I know they are inspired men of God, and I love their testimonies and advice. I'm so blessed to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Puff Daddy

I witnessed the most hilarious sight today.

It was unreal. 

There's no way I will ever be able to convey this story to be as funny as it was in real life so just try to imagine, k? 

A group of us were sitting on the couches in this big lobby area of the theater building trying to put together a movie we are making. I kept getting distracted by this small group of preschool aged children running around. They must have been on a tour or something. There were 4 or 5 adults with them, too. All of a sudden we hear this guitar playing and we look over and see them sitting in a circle with this old man playing a song. We all quieted down to pay closer attention and Taylor said, 

"Is he playing 'Puff the Magic Dragon'??" 

I couldn't believe it! I instantly lost my composure and I was trying not to lol (laugh out loud) but it was way too funny. After playing for a minute he asked the other adults to join in. Pretty soon, I had tears flooding from my eyes. I was literally crying my face off. I couldn't believe what was happening, and I couldn't control myself. This little group of children sitting in a circle listening to all these adults sing a song that's secretly about drugs? I tried to sneak a picture, but I couldn't pull it off.

I seriously thought we were getting punk'd or something.

If things were easy to find, they wouldn't be worth finding

I'm trying to prepare my lesson for tomorrow and I can't even think straight. I saw the most incredible movie tonight. It was absolutely beautiful. You better believe that I'll be buying the book on Monday. The little boy in this was the most adorable, unbelievably amazing little boy. Seriously, this isn't even making sense because I was just completely blown away. I don't think I could ever say enough good things about it.

Just watch this (please). 

Cutie

Have you seen this girl??

I miss her. She has disappeared from my life this week.

It's sadzz.

What am I supposed to do without my tots? . . And her?? 

I hope I never have to find out. 

COME BACK TO ME, MADDI!!

Tender Mercies

I promise this is my last depressing/vent post for a while.

Pinky promise.

But seriously last week could not have gone any worse.

First the blown tire. I spent the one day I had to get caught up on all my homework shopping around for tires and found out it's going to cost A LOT of money (which I don't have)

Then I had to go babysit 5 kids for 5 days. That was rough. There were many freak outs and MANY tears shed throughout the week (from both the kids and myself)

Here's just a sample of the events that took place:

- cabinet door snapped in half

- a bathroom flooded

- a mug broke

- one of the kids didn't come to church. he just didn't want to

- food was EVERYWHERE after every meal. the house would just get trashed all the time

- bath time always brought on tears

- one of the girls cried SCREAMED for 45 minutes straight and we couldn't get her to stop. 

- Oh and she was naked, too. 

- the baby had the nastiest diarrhea for like 3 days. blehhhh

and in addition to that. . I had the most violent stomach flu and puked 12 times while taking care of the kids. (TMI? Sorry. . kinda)

I'm not trying to be dramatic, but it was one of the most challenging/straining weeks of my life.

Today at church I was just bawling my head off in Relief Society. I was completely and emotionally drained and super stressed out. On my way out to my car after church, I cried to 5 different people haha it was pretty embarrassing. People kept asking me how it was going with the kids and I'd start crying my face off again!

It was a disaster.

But then I found this in an old bag I started using again . . 

A little note from my favorite boy on the top of an old shopping list from last year! I know he wrote it forever ago but it was just what I needed. I just pretended that he flew from Japan to slip it in my bag haha. It was a perfect little surprise.

It's crazy how the simplest things can completely change your whole day.

I'm looking on the bright side

Sooooo . . 

My tire just blew up. Yeah it seriously did. And then I somehow drove home almost a mile on it because I knew my dad wasn't home. It was probably similar to driving through an earthquake.

Here's what it looks like in the back of my trunk.

Pretty sad, huh? Here's my donut.

What a cutie.

Anyways. 

I'm not here to complain. I'm here to do the exact opposite, actually. 

My dad challenged us a few weeks ago to write out 100 things we are grateful for and so I thought right now would be the perfect time. I could use a little attitude change/pick me up.

I'm basically thinking out loud here so feel free to skip ahead or quit reading. Some of you friends of mine are on the list in case you wanna see what bad stuff I said about you. Just kidding. It's all nice stuffs. 

1. I'm thankful that my little tire experience happened so close to home. It could have been in some scary place with no cell service or familiar faces.

2. I'm thankful for Loyd (my mom's client's husband) who was here to help me put my spare tire on. My dad has an injured foot so it's hard for him to do things like that. And I definitely needed some help.

3. I'm thankful for my family.

4. I'm thankful for the relationship that I have with my dad. He is truly one of my best friends. We share a lot of the same attitudes and ideas and he gives the best advice.

5. I'm thankful for my mom and all of the many sacrifices she makes for me. We have so much fun together and I look up to her in so many ways. She is also one of my greatest friends. 

6. I'm thankful for Katelyn. Now that we are older and (a little) more mature, we get along so well (most of the time) and always have so much fun together. She is a serious crack up. I love watching her cheer and hearing about what she has going on at school and with boys. I'm so thankful for our friendship.

7. I'm thankful for Brinley. She is growing up so much. I love how she is her own self, she doesn't let other people affect her in any way. She has the best laugh and she loves to play Just Dance with me. I love Brinley and I hope we will someday become even better friends.

8. I'm thankful for my baby Brady. I love how much energy he has and how much he loves to have fun. He is such a sweetheart and is always looking out for his older sisters. He likes to tease us, but he also doesn't like to see us sad. I love Brady. He's my favorite brother.

9. I'm thankful for my grandparents and all that they do for me. 

10. I'm thankful for the lessons that my grandparents have taught me by simply being good examples.

11. I'm thankful for the gospel.

12. I'm thankful for my testimony.

13. I'm thankful for my calling as a Sunday School teacher.

14. I'm thankful that we are studying the Book of Mormon this year and that I get to learn so much more by teaching it.

15. I'm thankful for all the 15-year-olds in my class. They're so fun and they make me want to be someone they can look up to.

16. I'm thankful for the Book of Mormon and the blessings I receive through reading from it daily.

17. I'm thankful for my Bishop. He is such an amazing person. He deals with so much adversity in his life but he is still one of the happiest people I know. 

18. I'm thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.

19. I'm thankful for the Atonement and the many ways that it blesses my life.

20. I'm thankful that I still have so much to learn about the Atonement and how to apply it to my life. It's great to know there is always room for growth and improvement.

21. I'm thankful for the Priesthood. It has blessed my life in so many ways and at so many times.

22. I'm thankful for President Thomas S. Monson and for modern-day revelation.

23. I'm thankful for prayer. I would be completely lost if I couldn't turn to my Father in Heaven at anytime or any place. 

24. I'm thankful for the temple and the overwhelming spirit it fills me with.

25. I'm thankful that I was born into the church and grew up learning about my older brother, Jesus Christ. It's crazy how many people live their lives without knowing Him.

26. I'm thankful for missionaries and the sacrifices they make to spread the Word of God.

27. I'm thankful for all of my friends that have served, are serving, or preparing to serve missions. They have all blessed my life by their examples and testimonies.

28. I'm thankful for Sam. He has brought me so much happiness in my life. I'm thankful for the lessons he has taught me and the many blessings he has brought into my life. That kid is amazing.

29. I'm thankful for Dixie State College.

30. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to attend college and that I have been able to attend school for most of my life.

31. I'm thankful that I enjoy school and that learning comes easy to me. It would be much more difficult to drag myself to school if I didn't love to learn.

32. I'm thankful for all of my Professors and the time and energy they put into their lessons. The things they teach me will have such a large impact on my future.

33. I'm thankful that I have a pretty good idea of what I want to be when I grow up. I would feel so lost if I didn't.

34. I'm thankful for the Internet and the way it gives me access to almost anything I want to know. It's fascinating how it works.

35. I'm thankful for my house.

36. I'm thankful for our fireplace.

37. I'm thankful for our dishwasher.

38. I'm thankful for our washer and dryer. 

39. I'm thankful for the way my mom has decorated our home to make it a comfortable and familiar place we all love to be.

40. I'm thankful that my family loves to spend time together.

41. I'm thankful for warm showers.

42. I'm thankful for toothpaste and toothbrushes.

43. I'm thankful for deodorant. Seriously.

44. I'm thankful for thick blankets to keep me warm at night.

45. I'm thankful for sweat pants. I wear them way too much, but I love them.

46. I'm thankful for fluffy pillows.

47. I'm thankful for make-up so I don't have to look like a man every day. Unless I want to of course.

48. I'm thankful for the clothes I have. It would be embarrassing to walk around without them.

49. I'm thankful that I have a job. I complain that I don't work as much as I need to, but at least I have a job. 

50. I'm thankful for the people in my ward and how close so many of us are. We truly are like a family.

51. I'm thankful to have people in my life that are genuinely looking out for and care for me.

52. I'm thankful for my friends. 

53. I'm thankful for Paige and all of the awesome memories we have to look back on. 

54. I'm thankful that I was able to live with Paige for a year. She taught me a lot and she was a really good example to me of reading my scriptures every day.  I'm thankful that she is getting married soon. I'm so excited for her and I'm also excited to have an excuse to look at wedding stuff.

55. I'm thankful for Maddi. It's crazy to me how much we think alike. We have the most random/deep conversations that can last for hours but feel like we've only been talking for minutes. She's so easy to talk to and she makes me want to be a better person on so many levels.

56. I'm thankful that Maddi has a lot of the same ideas and views on the world.

57. I'm thankful that Maddi wants to do a lot of the same things that I do. Like go to Peru for 6 months. Or go to California to see our dream man.

58. I'm thankful that Maddi and I drove all the way to California, just to see Cory Monteith. I really was changed by that trip in such a positive way. And I'm glad we did something fun and crazy.

59. I'm thankful for Jenna and the way she is always doing things for other people. I'm also thankful that she motivates me to get off of my lazy bum and go to Zumba.

60. I'm thankful that Jessica laughs at Chuck Norris jokes with me.

61. I'm thankful for Stephanie and that we are becoming such good friends.

62. I'm thankful that I have three classes with Steph. It's way too much fun.

63. I'm thankful for Tori and how funny we are together. We say the dumbest things and laugh at anything and everything.  I'm thankful that she is getting married as well. I'm really excited for her and I love seeing how happy she is.

 
64. I'm thankful that I'm not getting married haha. I'm not ready for that yet.

65. I'm thankful that I don't have a boyfriend or anyone to like right now. I really am content with the way things are right now.

66. I'm thankful for the self-confidence I have been gaining. It is affecting me in so many different aspects of my life. I love it.

67. I'm thankful for all of my cousins, aunts, and uncles and that I have such a large family.

68. I'm thankful that I have a car.

69. I'm thankful for the outdoors.

70. I'm thankful for how beautiful God made the world.

71. I'm thankful for my health.

72. I'm thankful that my body functions properly.

73. I'm thankful that I have a desire to explore the world.

74. I'm thankful for St. George and how unique this area is.

75. I'm thankful that Maddi and I took some time to appreciate nature and the great place that we live.

76. I'm thankful that I can run.

77. I'm thankful that I can dance.

78. I'm thankful for exercise and the way it makes me feel.

79. I'm thankful for food.

80. I'm thankful that I know how to take care of myself.

81. I'm thankful that I know the basics of cooking.

82. I'm thankful that I know the basics of sewing.

83. I'm thankful that my mom taught me how to clean and take care of our house.

84. I'm thankful for vacuum cleaners, even though I hate vacuuming more than anything.

85. I'm thankful for doctors and medicines that save lives.

86. I'm thankful for advil and the way it saves me from headaches and cramps.

87. I'm thankful for institute and the insight I receive from attending.

88. I'm thankful for the institute teachers I have had. They have all taught me things that will stick with me forever.

89. I'm thankful that I can overcome challenges.

90. I'm thankful for the growth I obtain from experiencing trials.

 91. I'm thankful for music and that I can hear.

92. I'm thankful for art and that I can see.

93. I'm thankful for creative people.

94. I'm thankful for service opportunities.

95. I'm thankful for books to read.

96. I'm thankful for good movies.

97. I'm thankful for the beach.

 98. I'm thankful for the sky.

99. I'm thankful for flowers.

100. I'm thankful that I have WAY more than 100 things to be thankful for. I'm so very blessed.

No matter the circumstance, I know there is always 
something to be thankful for. 

What are you thankful for? Try writing them down, it's easy.

Peace out. I have to go buy all new tires now.

Yayyyzzzz.

Long Hurr Don't Curr

Yeah, it's been a few weeks now, but I chopped my hair off! It feels great to have a little change, even if I do look like Dora the Explorer

mugshot anyone?

or Mowgli from The Jungle Book

this is what you wake up to when you're part clown

Changing up your hair can be really scary! But it honestly has made me feel more confident about myself and changed the way I think about things. This sounds cheesy but I'm really learning to love myself and figure out who I want to become. I feel like I have become a lot more independent these past couple months without having a man, but I'm completely happy and content.  It sounds totally silly but I feel like a lot of times, our hair becomes kind of like a security blanket. I know that most boys (and girls) associate being pretty with long hair, but I'm not out to impress anyone! 

Not like my long hair was impressing anyone anyways haha.

Here's to being spontaneous and making changes for the better!