ohhhhhh my heart.
The poor thing is being pulled in so many directions and I'm not sure how much more it can handle. I don't know if anyone else has this problem but I CANNOT make decisions. Small ones, big ones, doesn't matter. I just struggle.
I have been going back and forth with the idea of serving a mission for a loooooong time. Like a year and a half-long time. It has caused me so much more emotional stress than I can explain. I will spare you the pages and pages of details, but basically what it all boils down to is that I know it would be such an amazing opportunity. It would bless so many lives, as well as my own. But I just can't be excited about it like I used to be. I have had so many experiences that have prompted me to go (and even submitted my papers to my bishop), but also have received so much comfort in knowing that staying here is where I'm supposed to be (and told my bishop that I decided not to go).
Yeah, it's a little confusing.
The only thing I want is to be where my Heavenly Father wants me to be. But it's extremely difficult for me to find that place with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I just wish I could have a map to guide me through these big decisions in my life. Because serving a mission isn't the only decision I'm faced with right now. There's also big school and dating decisions that make things much more complicated.
Luckily, I have been blessed with amazing friends. Some have been lifelong friends, and some, I feel, have been put into my life at this exact time to help me get through these trials. They have some of the best insight and beautiful testimonies I have ever heard. They have helped me realize that Heavenly Father loves me and He trusts my judgement. He will not punish me for not going, and He will support me in all of my righteous efforts. I need to have faith in His love for me to help me remove my fear of letting Him down.
The other night I was praying to feel confident in my decision to stay home. I wanted to feel that He was proud of me and that He loved me. I had been feeling impressed to read my patriarchal blessing so I decided to get it out after my prayer. Right at the beginning it said something about having Heavenly parents that love me and then it said that it was important for me to understand and honor that knowledge in all that I choose to do throughout my life. Yeah, I bawled. It was such an answer to my prayer. And it came so quickly. What a tender mercy.
I am still trying to figure out why I have been put on such a long, turbulent emotional roller coaster (did I mention that I HATE roller coasters??) and one friend gave me the best advice...
There is no growth in a comfort zone, and no comfort in a growth zone.
There has definitely been a lot of growth over the past year and a half. And actually, a lot of good has come from this experience. I am so grateful for the testimony and knowledge I have of a loving Heavenly Father. He has proven to me so much lately that He is mindful of me and the trials I am going through. The Atonement is the greatest gift to me and it has honestly carried me through these tough times. I am still struggling to stay afloat during all of this, but I know that I can do anything with my Heavenly Father on my side. All that matters is that I do what I know to be right.
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.." Alma 26:12